Parenting … if it was all sunshine and kisses, we wouldn’t need a little help from time to time to keep our behaviour and that of our child(ren) consistent with our Personal Expectations and Values.
We live in a time in which “less parenting” is apparently now better. Apparently we can allow our child(ren) to grow up and develop into adults by themselves (with the help of government run medical and education departments and entertainment media). All we need to do is make sure they attend day care/school from as early as possible, and provide money and screens as a priority over food, clothing and shelter and all else will sort itself out over time. Ummmmm … on television maybe. Television says fix their ill health with drugs and their behaviour with a specialist making money out of diagnosing issues that can only be fixed with drugs.
As much as this IS NORMAL in 2016, I want to suggest that this may not be a healthy fix for the child(ren); the adults of our future. We need to choose Awareness, as in the Thinking kind of Awareness it takes to being Conscious of other people’s physical, emotional and mental wellbeing; yes, children are “other people” not possessions or accessories. Now that we have child(ren) in our care, we need to step out of any prior narcissistic tendencies and emotionally mature ourselves for this very important role we’ve chosen (consciously or not).
Sometimes we need to deal with the “uglier” emotions that show up in our behaviour; and if you can’t see them in yourself, your child(ren) will soon show you just how badly you behave. Children learn all their behaviours as they grow; where from do you think?! Yes … us.
We get angry for a reason, whether it is because we are tired, feeling sick, avoiding something else making us angry, or being triggered by the kid we are being angry with. The important thing is to be CONSCIOUS of our anger, upset, fear, whatever. Use the cognitive (to be conscious/aware of) behavioural techniques as suggested in this book. IE the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) by Gary Craig. This way your habitual subconscious angers will be handled along with any current situational upsets; eventually creating less drama in your day to day experience of parenting.
Be honest when it comes to getting angry and remember to apologise if your anger is misdirected (IE caused by something other than the person you are expressing your anger to).
When it is a child’s particular behaviour triggering your emotional response; say so. It is much more useful and compassionate to communicate CLEARLY (with no emotional blame or justification, which will only come out as whinging or whining!); explaining to others (younger or older) the cause and the current effect of their behaviour on you emotionally. This is especially useful when you are Aware of your emotions being triggered as a consequence of their (anyone’s) behaviour. Learn to do this in Present Time. With practice this gets more and more easy, and leads to healthy communication in relationships. This is not about blaming or justifying, it is about OWNING our emotional reactions. AND teaching children (or childish/emotionally immature people) that their behaviours DO affect others.
To not teach this to children is to raise narcissistic people. Self-absorbed, emotionally unaware, non-empathic parasitic consumers. And therein lies the reason television suggests we don’t bother with parenting anymore; just feed, clothe, n shelter ‘em and leave the emotional aspects of human development to Hollywood. At which time they will be spellbound to the consumer/slave matrix.
When parenting, we need to KNOW when our anger, fear, etc, is caused by something other than a child’s behaviour. We need to know when it is tiredness, or illness, so we can explain we are tired and that they need to be empathic/understanding to our ‘needs’ while we continue to meet theirs – this won’t work well if you are faking it, and simply trying to get out of the domestic duties you know you still have to do for the sake of your family’s wellbeing!
Telling the ‘truth’ only works when we are being honest, in the same way we can see through their emotional manipulation (tantrums, whining, etc), so can they see through ours (they’ve been taking note all along!). Telling truth is a temporarily fix; a long term fix requires behavioural modification on our own behalf! We need to fixed our attitude/behaviour by getting to bed earlier this (and most) evenings to resolve feelings of fatigue and allow our immune system to work to its fullest potential.
I am a “night owl” by nature; but for the first 12 years of my daughter’s life I committed to a 10pm bedtime – by the time she was entering high school I expected her to get herself to the bus stop on time every school day (she was doing the equivalent for a couple of years prior to this)!! Being a “good” Mum was a top priority for me, so getting to bed earlier was a worthwhile ‘sacrifice’.
But there were other triggers (as there are for many of us) in my life for which I had to find healthy solutions to keep myself firmly on my path to realising my goal of being a “good” Mum. I had to find healthy ways to manage my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which was a result of being in emotionally abusive relationships and the ongoing anxiety from being targeted for a few years by a sociopath. Cognitive behavioural techniques are far more healthy than medications.
Add to this, the increasing chronic pain I was experiencing from my congenital bilateral hip dysplasia – something I was unaware of in my body until after the birth of my daughter. The increasing chronic pain I was experiencing over years was contributing to my tiredness and crankiness. This was finally resolved with a proper diagnosis (changing Doctors helped!) and both my hip joints being replaced by the time my daughter was 9 years old.
Nine years of parenting while learning how to manage my emotional reactions to physical pain and emotional stress … as a single parent. As a single parent, I know there is no back up; no one else to say: “Please deal with ‘the kid’ while I take some time to sort myself out.” Nope. It was up to me to stay in Present Time and tell my Truth at all times – it took a lot of practice. Parenting provides lots of opportunities to practice until we get it right! Subjectively right; Right for ourself and the child(ren) in our care in that moment.
I do understand the difficulty of managing anger, stress and pain while raising a child. I chose to do so without drugs (medical or otherwise) nor alcohol. This book is based on my experience. It is not a formal guide to parenting, so the ages referred to are merely milestones, not precise measures (welcome to parenting, so much that used to work based on theory, now needs to be re-applied in the moment subjectively!) This book is assuming you are willing to THINK for yourself and take personal responsibility for your outcomes, as I have.
It is about handling our emotions and those of the child(ren) in our care ~ Constructively.
In my experience, it is important to KNOW where we are at emotionally (where on the Emotional Tone Scale) and when our anger and/or fear reaction is caused by other past or current situations and/or associations (other than a child’s current behaviour) – to ACKNOWLEDGE it and DEAL WITH IT quickly, with an EFT set-up phrase. And apologise to the child for taking out our anger on them.
I learnt to tell children my Truth! To tell them what was going on, in language suitable to their age and emotional maturity. Just briefly, not burden them with my adult stuff. Hiding “adult stuff” from children causes all sorts of additional anxiety for them to bear on their own. If their behaviour helped trigger my until-then-unresolved emotional upset, I would thank them for bringing it to my attention, so I could DEAL WITH IT and move on, back into Present Time emotionally to Provide for them (instead of some narcissistic trip into Lala-‘processing’-land where apparently children don’t need emotionally mature supervision).
Parenting – one of the best EVER Personal Development paths to Consciousness/Awareness I have every experienced!
This book is about a practical application of Value-Centred Parenting in which we consciously demonstrate and teach our Personal Values and Expectations without setting goals for others (children) nor leave them bereft of sound guidance and a sturdy set of values to explore as they springboard into life. I am challenging what I would otherwise refer to as consensus parenting.
Consensus is conforming to a majority … not to a smaller community so much (which would have practical applications found in feedback loops), but to an ideology (traditionally pushed by the priest/ruling class) now promoted via mass media. Instead of practical application of tried and true experiences passed down from generation to generation. Hence why Women’s Wisdom had to be stamped out; it was conflicting with an ideology being put into play.
Young women, pre-parents, have always been idealistic, but now days they soak up all the subliminal messages on television as to how they will “parent” their babes when the time comes. Traditionally (pre television), women involved in parenting became wiser by the day, and/or month, on a steep learning curve as their baby grew. They didn’t need books, just a few other mothers around them helping them to OBSERVE what works and what doesn’t for each Individual child in their care.
BUT modernisation (and mass ‘education’) has changed women. Women were CONvinced to learn from books and magazines (magazines were a woman’s “go-to source” prior to a “google search” on the internet) instead of from experience. Now it is books/magazines and popularised (via some clever invisible logarithm methods) “blog” articles that lead women to the mass consensus parenting model.
It only took 50 years of mass hypnosis via television and “Hollywood” movies for a specific collected consciousness to form which has, right on cue, morphed into a self-perpetuating downward spiral of “parenting” by not parenting – eradicating parental experiential wisdom. Oh and it was tested often. Just look at the various trends. The one that blows my mind the most: to feed babies formula (or expressed breast milk) instead of breastfeeding (by women who were able to breastfeed) as though preparing and warming formula “milk” was in some way easier than breastfeeding!?! Don’t get me started on giving babies and children off-the-shelf medications!
Another one: using expensive disposable (BAD for the environment) nappies over practical re-usable cloth (for multiple babies) nappies. But they didn’t stop there! They went on to CONvince parents to keep their children in nappies until the age of 4 or 5 YEARS by simply suggesting that children will miraculously work out by themselves how to use a toilet; no parenting required apparently! Result: even babies and now toddlers are consumers … along with their parents who took the bait, hook, line and sinker.
What about the “new age” parent – OMG! Just like the “feminist movement” was a mass psyop (psychological operation) to “encourage” women to work harder, get out of the home, away from child rearing, and into the workforce (now for 50+ years straight with the advent of childcare centres). Result: children ‘develop’ without the benefit of individualised education (in the true sense of the word: developing their innate wisdom with one on one guidance). May I present to you the New Age Movement psyop.
The New Age Movement, skilfully deployed, just as people were beginning to intelligently discover how the Mind works to Create reality and put it into practice releasing the need for “spiritual guidance” from the priest/ruling class … whoosh – in comes the New Age Movement, a global SPIRITUAL cult-on-steroids absorbing all religious beliefs into one “movement”. “Spirituality”, in all its different forms, and religions are constructs of the mind, of someone’s thinking. Therefore, it is not another level of ‘awareness’ or ‘being’, it is a bunch of ideas, emotions and behaviours – it is an attitude or philosophy; a product of our mental level. We have just the 3 levels of reality, the physical, emotional and mental levels ~ when you take it back to the mechanics of Mind/Creation.
Result of the new age movement: Don’t think, just repeat these positive affirmations after me; your well paid guru/priest/ruling class representative.
People no longer know how to think for themselves (although they’ve been tricked into thinking they are thinking, but are actually just repeating what they have been told on television). UH OH … this means they are going to be sharing these repeated ideas to their children – thus the indoctrination is complete. When things don’t go so well, they look for external solutions (as directed by television and magazine advertising for over 50 years) and employ (yes, pay money for – prior to this trend it was to seek help for free from a priest, which was part of the entrainment to seek beyond one’s own ability to THINK) a doctor or specialist to fix the ‘problem’ for them – people are now trapped in this paradigm.
Until such time as they become aware of just how much they are NOT taking care of themselves (or their children).
Sometimes we need to realise that being positive, or seeking guidance when our ability to stay positive fails us, is leading us up a garden path to no-where/now-here. We need to go back to being and thinking in Constructive ways.
Using Constructive thinking is the result of acknowledging what needs ‘fixing’ and then DEALING with it as an emotionally mature adult. To know what needs ‘fixing’ we need to look at the ‘negatives’, the pain and frustrations. To DEAL with our pain and frustrations we need to leave the “New Age” religion of processing and avoidance, and much external seeking, behind. And step up and into being AWARE of our “whinging”, “blaming”, & “pain”; our avoidance/denial tactics.
In the same way we hear a child, we need to HEAR OUR SELF, when we do our helpless/hopeless behaviour, AND DEAL WITH IT in our self. Therefore, we actually need to whinge, blame, feel our pain, and/or avoid, MOMENTARILY (or for as long as it takes to become AWARE of our behaviour and DEAL WITH IT).
This applies to parenting also. Those parents who don’t parent/deal with their own AND their children’s behaviour are simply abdicating it, leaving it, for someone else to deal with. Narcissism (selfishness) AND sociopathy (lacking conscience – not knowing right from wrong and therefore hurting others to get attention) is spreading like wildfire throughout our culture.
Parenting involves BEING PRESENT. This requires putting the child(ren) first, ahead of our apparent physical (including financial), emotional and mental ‘needs’ (that’d be our emotional attachments). Parenting involves sacrifice; and I don’t mean the type of sacrifice people think they must make to earn money/pay taxes, going over and above all other important values including parenting – well, parenting was important in the past. Parenting, not just ‘having kids’, involves putting our life on hold, changing the way we do things, prioritizing our life differently ~ it used to be called “settling down” (traditionally after marriage).
There is so much Personal Development, emotional maturity, to be gained from CONSCIOUSLY participating in the Journey of Parenting, that I’d call it a “Sacred Sacrifice”. The one (repetitive) ‘time’ in which our “Sacred Selfishness” stands aside Allowing for a Higher Good for all concerned to emerge.
Marianne Thorne 🙂
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